Everybody Hurts
by gf7
Summary: Prequel to Survivor. Helena has some thoughts about who she is now.


TITLE: Everybody Hurts  
  
AUTHOR: Shawn Carter  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. Screw the WB.  
  
RATING: PG. Language.  
  
SUMMARY: An introspective little ditty. Maybe sometimes we think too much. This could serve as an adequate prequel to SURVIVOR.  
  
MUSIC: REM.  
  
*****  
  
Perhaps I'm supposed to be someone else. Maybe I'm supposed to be sitting in a classroom right now, listening to some longwinded professor spout off about their new five thousand-page textbook. Of course, if I were that girl, I'd probably find it all so terribly interesting.  
  
But of course I'm not that girl. At this moment, covered in dirt and grime and with smears of my own blood splattering my new shirt, I'm not real sure what kind of girl I am.  
  
I mean, who the hell really calls themselves Huntress? Outside of four year old pretend time anyways. And what twenty-three year old spends their nights whooping on men instead of making out with them?  
  
But hey, that's me. My life.  
  
I can feel the cold air against my cheeks. It almost stings. You can feel the humidity in the air. Rain soon, I imagine. I'll be indoors by then. Of course assuming Barbara doesn't buzz me to tell me that some goon just has to be apprehended. And right now. Right the hell now.  
  
That's not exactly fair to her but who cares? As I said, I'm covered in mud. Head to foot. My luck really.  
  
Oh screw this; I'm going home. It's gonna rain soon; if the bad guys are stupid enough to kill during a goddamn typhoon, I'll nail them for it later. Tonight, I plan to sleep.  
  
"Huntress," a voice says from behind. So soft and smooth. I'd know it anywhere. I've been hearing it in my dreams for weeks. But I think I'll keep that to myself.  
  
I turn slowly. To hell with grace. My body feels like someone has been kicking it for hours. "Reese." Was that a purr? I don't know. Barbara says I take on a different tone when I talk to men. I tend to think she doesn't know what she's talking about.  
  
He offers me the strangest smile. He seems almost amused to see me looking like I just got worked over by a gorilla. I have this sudden need to slap him. I don't do it however because something tells me that Reese isn't the kind to see that as foreplay. He'd probably try to cuff me and as much fun as that sounds.I want my bed.  
  
"You okay?" he finally asks. I have this sudden urge to do something besides slap him but I manage to kick that down as well. It'd get in the way of me and my bed.  
  
Okay maybe not technically but the idea is to get some sleep not some lovin'.  
  
"I'm fine," I reply. "I dropped him off at the station."  
  
"Him?" Reese pushes. "I've been at home all day."  
  
"Sleeping?" I ask, craving my sheets. I run my fingers through my hair and all I can feel are clumps of mud. Okay, check that; I want my shower and then my bed.  
  
He smiles at me and hey, there's that urge again. "Yes. I just came out." he stops. I wonder if he realized what a weird dance we have going on.  
  
"Why Detective," I start, smiling at him. Now I know I'm flirting. Okay, I'm whooped.not dead. Big damn difference. "I didn't know you cared so much."  
  
He lets the silence hang between us. Then he touches my face. "You should get home and get cleaned up. You look like hell."  
  
"Thanks," I say, hopefully not unkindly. It's kinda hard to tell when I feel the way I do. I tend to lose my internal filters in a hurry.  
  
He studies me for a moment longer. "So hey, uh.I'm gonna go get some dinner.if you can hold off on that shower for a little bit longer..and maybe if you're hungry."  
  
"Are you asking me out on a date, Reese?" I say, still smiling at him,  
  
He squirms. God how I love that. He kicks the dirt with the toe of his boot and then looks up at me. "Do you have to make this hard?"  
  
I sigh. Now I feel bad.  
  
"I'm sorry," I say. I actually mean it which is kind of a surprise for me. I don't apologize very often. I reach up and touch his cheek. "Not tonight, okay? I think I'd make terrible company."  
  
He nods slowly. "Yeah, no problem. Get home and sleep." I can see that he's a bit stung but I'm not lying; tonight I would make terrible company. I'm exhausted.  
  
"Reese," I say, feeling like I have to explain myself. He shakes his head quickly.  
  
"No really, it's okay. I'm just gonna stop by Benny's and grab a burger and then return to my couch. The Knicks are on tonight."  
  
I grin. The man likes sports. My kinda man.  
  
Okay.again.best not to go there.  
  
He's not my man no matter the weird dance we play. It would be all too confusing and complicated and God knows I don't need more of that in my life.  
  
"Something funny?" he asks. I can tell he's stalling. Maybe he thinks I'll change my mind. Maybe if he sticks around long enough, I will.  
  
"I was picturing you playing basketball," I reply. God, I'm doing it again. I can hear my own voice and really, I might as well be grinding against him.  
  
"I do play," he informs me. I have this sudden mental image of just how he plays.  
  
He motions down the street. "Well I guess I'd better..."  
  
"Yeah," I say, not wanting this to get even more awkward.  
  
"Right," he says nodding. He still looks hurt and I feel like shit. Wonderful.  
  
"So, rain check?" I say, catching his arm. He's wearing a leather jacket so my fingers slide off the smooth fabric.  
  
He looks at me, a bit surprised. Then he nods slowly. "Definitely."  
  
"How about that coffee I asked for weeks ago? You know.the day you told me you didn't want to have coffee with me?"  
  
"Right," he replies. I smile. Good then, I've made him feel bad for that. I remember clearly being pretty pissed off at him that day. Then he nods. "How about tomorrow morning?"  
  
I scowl. He laughs. There's that impulse again. I still don't know which one it is. Kiss him or kill him. I guess they're kinda close.  
  
"Mornings bad?"  
  
I nod slowly. "I prefer my blankets."  
  
"Fine. Around noon then?"  
  
"Sure. It's a date," I tease. I'm grinning at him and it's making him nervous. It's pushing him off-guard and I find that wildly attractive.  
  
He looks at me for a long moment. Our eyes meet and I can feel the electricity. It makes him nervous and he beats a hasty retreat. He looks back at me once more and then jogs down the street towards the hamburger joint.  
  
I shake my head and look towards the roof. I could jump if I wanted to and that would probably make my trip quicker but I doubt that I have the strength. I am pretty tore up. Luckily Reese and I were standing mostly in the shadows so he couldn't see the scrapes up and down by body.  
  
Some demons just don't know how to behave. I'll be fine by morning but right now I feel like I just went twenty rounds with an overweight moose.  
  
And again I'm back to wondering who I might have been if my mother had never been killed.  
  
Different, I get that.  
  
I hear three beeps and then my earpiece buzzes in my ear.  
  
"No," I say, cutting her off. "I'm going home so unless there's been a mass escape from Arkham.you can't stop me."  
  
"I was just trying to see if you were alright," Barbara says and I can tell that she's laughing. "You disappeared off comm."  
  
"Sorry," I say dryly. I'm not quite buying that this is just a courtesy call. It's never just that.  
  
"Go home," she says. "I can have Dinah deal with it. It's nothing major."  
  
"Good," I reply. Maybe I should argue this and insist to go on the scum pickup but my body is screaming at me. If I'm going to turn down Reese then I'm sure as hell gonna turn down Barbara. "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
She laughs and then clicks the line off. This is good. There have been times when the line has been left on accidentally and she's heard things that she should not have. Have to admit, it was embarrassing.  
  
It takes me almost fifteen minutes to get home. I nearly fall towards my bed. I manage to stop myself long enough to strip off my clothes.  
  
Okay, yeah.I admit it, I sleep in the buff.  
  
During the summer anyways.  
  
And it's colder than Alaska right now so I pull on a pair of flannel pants and a shirt that says Knicks on it. Ok.so I'm a basketball fan too.  
  
I drop onto my bed and curl the pillows towards me. I yank my blankets up around my ears. I can hear that the rain has started to fall. It's hitting against my windows. I wonder idly if Reese got home before it started. If I listen carefully enough, I can hear all the activity of the bar below me. I'm not really in the mood to care though. Let them get drunk. That's their world tonight.  
  
Tonight I have quiet.  
  
Unfortunately this is usually when my mind starts to whirl circles. I tend to think too much when I'm alone.  
  
And right now I can't stop wondering who or what I would have been if my mom had never died.  
  
When I was sixteen I thought maybe I'd be a college athlete. I certainly had the agility and stamina. Of course back then I didn't know a lick about martial arts. I'd seen my mom work out a bit but she hadn't wanted me to know even a little bit about her world. Really, Barbara has taught me everything I know.  
  
And I owe her for that.  
  
And so much more.  
  
She didn't have to take me in. Sure, I didn't have any other family but that didn't automatically mean that she had to be the one to play mom for me. Barbara was already in a bad place because of her crippling but she did it anyways. She put herself on the line for me.  
  
At first I had thought it was because I was the illegitimate daughter of her mentor and you know what, maybe in the beginning that was partly true. But she actually became my family. Completely. Doesn't mean I love my mom less.I never could. Some days I think I love her more because I understand what she gave up for me. I understand that she refused the call of the wild for me.  
  
Of course when I was sixteen, Barbara really was my mother figure. When I got suspended from school, she came to my aide. And then grounded the hell out of me. She pushed me well past any lines I had drawn for myself. She disciplined me and she never let me get away with anything that she thought could end up getting me hurt.  
  
And I hated her for it.  
  
I wanted to rage and she wouldn't let me. She held me in check despite my anger.  
  
So much for who I might have been if my mother had never died, I wonder who I would be if not for Barbara. My exhaustion is deep and I remember that I haven't cleaned out any of my wounds. Barbara would be pissed. She had made me promise to take care of myself after I had moved out.  
  
I laugh a bit and drop my head back to the pillow. Really I do the best I can.  
  
And still, to a degree, I'm raging.  
  
I think I'll spend my entire life doing that.  
  
Or at least until I find the man who took my mother from me and make him pay.  
  
Because on that night seven years ago.he hurt my entire family so deeply. My mother. My father. Barbara.  
  
There will be payback.  
  
My eyes droop and I can see shadows moving in on me. It won't be long now. No counting sheep for me.  
  
I know Barbara worries about my anger. She thinks she can keep me from making this horrible mistake that will break me. I'm okay though. I'm not saying I'm looking forward to my showdown with the Joker but when it comes.and it will.I'll be ready for it.  
  
I wonder if he'll try to hurt the rest of my family when he returns. I wonder if he'll know who I am?  
  
I wonder so many things.  
  
But I will be ready.  
  
-FIN 


End file.
